no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pants are for mortals
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
