I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
