Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
3 2 1 whiskey
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
