I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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