Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
