Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
