Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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