oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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