just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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