Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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