Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
