um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
