and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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