there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize