Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
