dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
