i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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