I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
