Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
