just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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