Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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