Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
