You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
