they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
