He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
