I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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