You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
