Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
