Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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