Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize