i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
