i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
