Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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