you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize