I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
