Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
