I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
