Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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