You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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