I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
