Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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