glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
