Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize