On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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