Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
