I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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