im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
