I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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