She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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