Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize