Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
