Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
people are starting to question the shark bite story
two words...techno handjob
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
