My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
