The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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