I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
