I need to stop coming to work sober
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
