Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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