Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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