I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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