this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
