You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
