I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
