I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he fucked my hip out of place.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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